3 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Say YES
Feeling overcommitted, overstressed and overwhelmed? It’s easy to say yes automatically when you don’t want to disappoint others or when you want to appear like you have it all together.
Can you help me with the project that’s due tomorrow? Yes. Bake the cookies for the bake sale? Yes. Dinner Friday night? Yes. You think sure, I have an extra hour between meetings, I can fit that in!
How might your answer change if you checked in with yourself first?
Creating space to check in and then asking yourself a few questions can help you be clear on whether your yes is truly a yes.
Creating Space
Create some inner peace by spending more time considering your commitments. Rather than automatic agreement, create some space between the request or the invitation and your answer. Take a breath. Usually we don’t need to answer a request or invitation immediately. It’s okay to give yourself permission to express appreciation for the invite and then say “I’ll check my calendar” or “Let me talk to my (boss, partner, parent) and I’ll get back to you.” This gives you a moment to consider yourself.
Creating space means there is time for you to check in with you.
In that moment of pause (this can literally be a minute), consider these three questions. They’ll give you information that will help you respond in a way that is most reflective of you.
If you answer NO to one or more of them your answer may really be no or a no for now.
Do I want to?
If it’s work related you’re probably not given a choice. However, in our personal lives and sometimes in our professional lives you often get a choice. So it’s time to check in with you. Is saying yes to this something that you’d enjoy? Too often we are saying yes out of obligation… “I should do this because…” Let that “should” go!
Do you want to do it? If you really don’t want to, consider saying no.
Do I have the resources to do this?
A yes to a request is an agreement that you’ll share your resources – time, energy, money, skills, emotional reserves. When faced with a request, check out those resources. You’re asked to take a walk with a friend. Is your physical energy tank filled up or running on low? You’re asked to chair that event. Do you have lots of free time or barely finding time to eat your lunch?
If you don’t have the resources, consider saying no. This may be a firm no.
Or, you can offer another option that utilizes resources you do have. You can decline chairing the event and offer to volunteer for a shift instead.
Or, offer another time when your resource levels might be different.
Or, offer a suggestion of another person who might have the resources.
Is doing this in alignment with my main priority right now?
We all have lots of priorities… work, health, relationships, a clean house, happy kids. At any time there are usually one or two that feel most important. It’s helpful to consider whether the request or invitation is consistent with your main priority. Our main priority can change over time or even day to day. What is your main priority?
Let’s say you’re invited to take on an extra work project which will be time consuming and also set you up for advancement. If your main priority is a a promotion, you may say yes. If your main priority is strengthening your connection with your family, then the extra project may be a no.
This question also encourages you to think about what is best for future you. Do I go to the dentist? While I may not want to go, it may be a yes because it aligns with my main priority for health and care of my future self.
If the request isn’t in line with your main priority, consider saying no. It may not be a forever no, but a no for now.
Putting It Together
Here’s a simple example of the three questions in play. Do you go on the staycation with your girlfriends? Let’s say you LOVE time with them, so when your friend launches the idea of a weekend in a hotel you pause and ask yourself…
Did I want to go. YES!
Did I have the resources? Yes? You could afford a staycation but time is really tight.
Does this experience fit my main priority? Right now my main priority is connection. I’ve been
working a lot and need to refuel. Time with these friends leaves me feeling cared for and relaxed.
By thinking through the three questions you may decide the staycation is a go, or based on question number 2 you might opt for a one night hotel stay rather than two or joining in for the day. The important part is that you’ve stopped to consider what is best for you.
When a Yes is Really a Yes
What happens when you say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no? You develop trust within your relationships. The folks you love and work with know you mean what you say.
You have more peace and balance. No longer feeling overcommitted and overwhelmed means more time for play.
You’re now doing the things you love, things you have the resources to do and things that are in line with your main priority. You behave in a way that honors who you are. You are ultimately saying YES to yourself.